Worry Rock

When I was 10 my grandmother passed away. We were so close it was if she was my mom as well. 

The pain still draws tears.
She used to carry a smooth shiny black rock in her pocket. She called it her "worry rock." 

She used to tell me the tale that whenever life was getting too hard, trouble came about, 

emotions were too strong or over all just had worry- 

just hold the rock and rub it as it will take all that ails you away.

At her funeral, she was to be burried with her worry rock. 

Before the closed the casket, my grandfather removed it from her hand and placed it in mine.

I was told she would want me to have this to help throughout life's journey.

I have it to this day safe and sound in a lock box @ home.

Over the past few weeks I've had many thing testing my strength. 

(Some of which I've shared- others I hold close to my heart.)

Yesterday was particularly trying. I sometimes feel as though it is a test from God.
I awoke this morning, went to my car and opened the door. 

As I went to climb in, I saw the rock in this picture sitting on the driver's seat. 

(It is nearly identical to the one of my grandmother's  I have locked away.) 

I nearly burst into tears as I had not been anywhere where this rock could had entered my car- 

let alone sitting on my seat. 

I could call it coincidence or I can continue to seek the logic in its placement 

(especially since I am the only one with keys to my car); 

however since her passing, when times get tough for me I feel she's found ways to reach me from the heavens.

It hasn't happened in years, but today I'm holding onto the fact that my guardian angel is looking after me, 

reminding me that I can get through life's trials to persevere and enjoy life's joy and bliss.

I'm really hoping I can sneak away to church today, if not, 

I know you can show your love and respect to the lord without being in a house of God. 

I thought you may appreciate this occutrence. Thank you for allowing me to share with you!

Xo,

Lisa

I Am...

I am fierce,
I am Fire,
I am love
I am desire.
I am loveable
I am worthy
I am strong
I must hold on....
and disregard the demons that seek to destroy.

Come Closer

Like a volcano eruption
my heart pours
free flowing lava
drawn from the core.
Hot and fast it moves throughout
Fear from the heat
May keep you about.
Come closer as the fire will warm you, not burn you
You may have been scorched by others before
Remember I am me, not her.

Love is the beauty of the soul.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin6. "Love is the beauty of the soul."
--St. Augustine

31 and not acting my age in terms of emotional maturity (need to change asap)

I met this amazing guy...or should I say I reconnected with this amazing guy from High School through Facebook. Seemingly as perfect as one can pocess in the human form. He is kind, caring, compassionate, intellegent, tall, dark & handsome to boot!

In the beginning we wooed each other with the kind-worded texts and conversations. Within a month I felt a kindred connection to this new man in my life. If there was perfection, he was it- personified.
After spending a wonderful weekend together I found myself being selfish, wanting more and unfairly expecting him to return this shared feeling.

Let me mind you I'm a strong, independent girl- a company, a career, good friends and still living the dream with new projects. Somehow though when it comes to him I become the insecure, thin-skinned, needy actor that awakens from lying dormant in my soul. Kind of like an 18 year old girl with a school crush!

It's frustrating because I really like this guy. The last thing I want to do push him away with my emotional behavior of a teenager. Logically & with Common Sense I know that I overkill him with texts and wanting validation. One would assume I could take a moment and stop the behavior. It's just my emotional side strives for his attention however little it may be. I'm becoming my own worst enemy in this situation.

Its a tale of like (not love) that may or may not be unrequited. Only time will tell. I shall see him a in 2 weeks when I head home to Ohio to visit my friends & family.

Things I need to do:
-Allow him to chase me again
-Apologize and make serious changes from behavior recognized by both parties as non productive  towards   building a relationship.
-Be grateful for the part of him that he is willing to share and accept that this information has to come out organically.
-Most importantly, I need to allow this friendship to flourish at its own pace- forcing the situation will only cease the communication.
-Lastly: Pray that the damage I've already pushed onto him emotionally can be overlooked and corrected before its too late

Positives:
 - He has taken the time to verbalize his concerns to me. This I have interpreted as a positive factor. If he were completely uninterested I do not feel he would take the time to have in depth conversations about things that are in need of correction
- He's in a profession that doesn't allow much free time, so if he's willing to give even the smallest piece of himself it shows promise.

Things to Recognize:
Expect nothing
Prepare for Everything
Never assume
Take responsibility
Take risks with like, lust and love.

ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE!! THE GREATEST OF RISKS BRING THE GREATEST REWARDS!!

Lastly, I believe God reconnects people for a reason. The reason may not be understood until fully explored and with reflection. I'm determined to give this friendship the chance to show it's planned path of friendship or possibly more.

Glass

Fool you made the girl fall in love
you said those beautiful things
she thought you spoke things you mean

Caress her skin like it's glass
she hears your voice making plans
and sees your face in her hands

You don't wanna see somebody beg
as you feel her heart surrender
you begin to fall
How do you say that something's through
when it never even started
at least not for you

You breathe her air and you leave
you keep your mind on yourself
and lie the glass on the shelf
After the heavenly speech
your body throws holy heat
the angels sing when our eyes meet

It wasn't a lie but it wasn't true
I just wanted to make you feel good
just wanted you near
I wasn't prepared I wasn't thinking of you
that you could actually love me
it never should have started

She's dreaming back on the past
every opinion agreed
doesn't know what to believe

It must have been for a cause
our lives have so many doors
don't think about him anymore

But it was the kiss, it took me away
it's like he knew that I am fragile
he handled me like glass
and it hurts but it's what I deserve
because I should have been more careful
with the others that I handled
I should have been
I should have been
and knowing this I know
that he'll get his
but I don't want the man to suffer
oh not the way I am
because deep down I know that he's glass too
but it really doesn't matter
until it's happening to you
everybody breaks
everybody breaks
sometimes

Such a Beautiful song- Hear it live (Gavin Degraw)

More Than Anyone

You need a friend
I'll be around
Don't let this end
Before I see you again
What can I say to convince you
To change your mind of me?
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
Free for you, whenever you need
We'll be free together baby
Free together baby
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to love you more than anyone

Click to Hear a Live version by Gavin Degraw

Cherry Trees

"I want to do with you, what Spring does with Cherry Trees."
~Pablo Neruda

Her

I feel tortured
I feel loved
I feel betrayed
I want to run
Seeing you with her brings me so much pain
Can't we rewind time
And let it be
To when it was just you & me?

Once in a lifetime you may find a soulmate- if you are lucky.
What if you thought you found it- then met "The one."
I have done just that!
It's sad actually. Knowing he is out there, yet knowing you cannot have him
I've found myself listening to the same song over and over because it makes me "feel."
Feel like I do when he is in my life, in my arms.
How is it possible to love this hard, this much and know it will go nowhere.
Why would God punish us with this meeting.
He has brought the positive light in my life over the past years.
I have held onto the feeling he gives me.
I have tried to forget him
I have deleted his number from my phone.
I have erased his physical memory in photos- yet he still shows up in my dreams.
With distance and time between us, our connection remains so tight.
I have never felt this before.
It is the feeling you imagine as a teen.
Its the passion in which you want to live you life with.
Its insane to me how much I care
It actually hurts to think about him.
I feel sick. I want to purge!
I feel him touch me. I imagine his energy and I shiver.
The world stands still when he is around
He is my perfection
He is my reflection
He is my Heart
He is my Soull
I love his so much
I just can't let go.
I want to be with him
I wish life would be fair and allow it to be a reality.
Sometimes I wish I had never met him as I wouldn't know what I was missing.
I don't look at anyone else the same.
I don't think of anyone like I do him.
It's this insane feeling. Like we were born to meet and fall in love- yet not.
His smile is pure joy
His soul shines through his eyes
His heart is insurmountable
I care so much for him
I wish it was a different universe where we could be together
Maybe in another  lifetime.
I have tried to advance this relationship- to no avail
One may question my ridiculous dedication to a man who doesn't love me the same- or does he?
I can't know for sure
He expresses love
he shows his heart to me
He shares his words with me
Our dreams collide together.
Are we star-crossed lovers?
I think of him all day everyday.
I cannot do anything without him on my mind.
The moment I met him, I fell in love.
So cliche to say it was love at first sight- I didn't believe in that fairytale before.
Must I suffer so?
Why do I continue this unrequited situation?
I do it because if even for a moment there is a chance for us, I want to explore it.
I feel like I've waited a lifetime to meet him.
I wish I for forecast the future
as it is so unclear.
Mixed signals and miscommunications
I feel strangely connected. Strangely shared.
I'm open to meeting and loving others, but no one is you!

Cosmic Love

Why does it have to be so complicated?
Why can't those who find love explore it without consequences?
Why do those no longer in lov stay together for the sake of pain?

When I feel love my heart aches,
My chest pounds & my throat closes.
I think back on images of our days past.
Like a rolodex of a life in images together- yet completely apart.

The first time you touched just my hand, I trembled from the inside out.
Like a drug, I wanted more.
More little touches, more smiles, more memories.

Like living in a parallel universe I find myself visualizing us together.
I ran to you for hugs & craved your attention- even small glances.

You moved the Earth for me.
You healed my troubled heart.
All without knowing you had done so.

And when I'm in your arms
I feld your heart so close to mine.
It provides a fearlessness inside.
I feel safe, protected and cared for.

Like kindred souls, I wish could connect.
Yet circumstances of responsibility, obligations and the unknown tend to set us backwards.

I'm proud of your choices,
I'm proud of your strength to see them.
I just wish this didn't give me a sense of rejection
-mainly because I lust after you.

The universe must have a plan.
You seem to be in better touch with the cosmic forces.
I hope the "Stars Align" for us- even just for a moment to give the cosmos & the ultimate connections a chance to explore freely, without consequence, without guilt- only with love.

I long to kiss your mouth,
I long to hold you close,
its like a trembling heart of a teenage girl.

Am I an insecure, vulnerable girl who desires for love and has found it?
It just isn't hers to have- Yet..
I shouldn't even touch this love as it is a like a drug- It makes me high & then falls to an ultimate low.

What am I to do?

I hate loving this hard....
Loving where your body physically makes you tremble.

You say "If its in the stars, it will happen."
Well I feel a cosmic shift coming.

I hope then there may be a chance to love you... Fully, deeply, madly- Just as you desrve.












.

Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me, images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images, no

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Time to Let Go

If you love someone, but are not "in love" with them; then love them enough to let them go!

Young Love

Young Love is Innocent, 
Young Love is Trust, 
Young Love is Sacrifice, 

Young Love is Lust.

Don't Leave

My Heart Beats Fast
My Throat Starts To Close
My Eyes Fill With Tears

Each Time You Have To Go

My Love- A request to the Universe

I decided it's time to put this out to the Universe!

"I LOVE HIM"- Truly & Deeply
He makes me smile through sadness,
He make me love myself more & more each day.
...He fills my heart & soul with joy & love.
He makes me want to better myself and my relationships.
He inspires creativity and encourages my dreams as an artist.

When I see him I think to myself:
"Take this in Lisa, Appreciate the small moments. Breath him in." - Knowing it wouldn't freeze in time and last forever.

Life's elements have kept us from even trying to pursue love.
I'm hoping tides will shift and if for even a moment the Universe can align our
worlds one more time to explore our trusted and respected friendship on a
more personal level.

Dreams can become reality once you believe in the truths of the love, even if it my be unrequited:-)